My friend was telling me about a friend of hers who is a self-proclaimed “student of awkward.” Apparently this guy loves to do things that make people go a bit outside of their comfort zone and he tries to create that awkward feeling. He was looking for ideas and was asking her about her most awkward situations.
This guy should just follow me around for a few days. My life is a series of completely awkward and fucked up encounters. I have got a million ideas for this guy!
My most recent moment was just this morning. I was fixing my twisted nylons in the (what I thought was an empty) bathroom. My dress was hiked up around my hips and I was having a full-on conversation with myself about the guy smoking pot that I passed on the way into work. (To explain this whole situation - I hate paying for parking, so to save money I park in the sketchy end of downtown. I am paying a cheap monthly rate – but may get stabbed and regularly walk by some pretty weird shit to and from work. And I actually talk out loud to myself a lot – like I should probably be worried and get that checked – a lot.) So anyway - right about this time is when a woman – a woman I actually have to interact with pretty regularly – walked out of one of the stalls and got a full view of me talking about some guy smoking pot with my dress hiked up and my hands in my nether regions.
And a good Tuesday morning to you as well. There is just no way to recover from that so I started to laugh and was like “I swear – I didn’t inhale!” I may be fired by the end of the week depending on how far that story goes or whether she was in a good mood.
I don’t think there has been a day in my life where something weird or awkward has not happened – and it is usually my fault. Lots are related to me talking to myself (or singing in the van at the top of my lungs) or sending emails that were meant in humor but ended up backfiring (you would think I would have learned by now to stop using email) but there are a few stand outs. And oddly enough two involve the bathroom – so if you are offended by potty humour – stop reading now.
Below is a quick list of the top five awkward moments in my life.
5. I am an animal lover and have lots of empathy for people who are dealing with the loss of a pet. When I was about 25, I had a coworker whose dog had been sick for months. She finally made the tough decision to put the dog down and I knew she was taking the day off to have it done. When she came into work the following day she was telling me the story and we both got pretty teary. I leaned in to hug her – and here is where shit got weird – I kissed her on her neck. And there was no mistaking it – I full on kissed this woman’s neck. We sort of just parted and both stood there all uncomfortable and then I basically ran back to my office and she hauled ass out of the break room. I have no idea what I was thinking or how it happened – but we never spoke about it.
4. I was headed out for lunch with a coworker about two months ago and we were walking and talking. The main entrance/exit doors in the office building where I work are those big glass big revolving doors. So – as we walked up to the door - she got into one compartment of the revolving door - and then I just walked right into the same compartment. We started to spin around and it was pretty tight in there – our feet were hitting each other’s and I was right up on her back. She gives me a look over her shoulder like what the fuck woman? I again tried to laugh it off like “ohhh – this is weird right? Next time I guess I should get my own section of the revolving door. That would definitely be less weird…” To this day if we are leaving together she will be like “and you know to get your own compartment right?”
3. I was getting frisky with a guy in a bathroom during a party. To try and class this story up – I will say that this is way back when I was in university, I was pretty drunk, and we were at an actual house party and we were in an actual bathroom with a locking door. We were not in a stall or some dirty gross public bathroom. I know – not much to help the cause. Anywhooo - people kept pounding on the door so we knew we had to get out. But since both of us were dating other people at the party (and there goes what little class this story had) we couldn’t be seen leaving the bathroom together after the door had been locked for like 15 minutes. So we made the decision I would hide in the tub with the curtain pulled until the line was finished and then I would sneak out. My partner in crime left and made a big deal about a bad burrito or something and I hunkered down in the tub to wait it out. I made the wrong call. I sat through about five people going “number two” before I finally snapped, flung back the curtain and jumped out of the tub – surprising a male friend mid-shit. I looked at him – he was looking back at me with a pretty worried look on his face and I panicked. I totally just bolted out of the bathroom. I didn’t say a word – I just ran. After that I pretty actively avoided him and for his part – he went out of his way to avoid me too. What do you say to each other after something like that?
2. I also seem to have a problem with escalators. There is an escalator in my office which goes to the food court area so I take it pretty much daily. I am not good with escalators to start with as my depth perception is bad so I am always really leery stepping onto one – scared I will either step on the split where the stairs bend and then fall or have my shoe and foot eaten by the machine (not possible I know – but still a fear). Anyway – because I am usually so freaked out about getting on the thing I am not looking at where people are and more often than not I lunge for a stair and end up standing on a step right behind someone. There is kind of an unwritten one step buffer on an escalator – but I totally mess that up pretty much every time. Then I am in the dilemma of do I step back down and make it even weirder or do I just ride up the whole escalator with my face in between the person’s shoulder blades. I generally go with the shoulder blades.
1. My curse in this life is that I always seem to go into a bathroom immediately after someone has done something pretty horrific. That in itself sucks – but then there is the weird and awkward moment that happens if someone else happens to come in while I am at the sink and they think that I have caused the smell. My problem is - do you acknowledge it and say – “listen – that wasn’t me and based on the smell – I am worried that the person who did do it may have died because they are pretty clearly rotting from the inside out” – OR – do you just not say anything and let them think it was you. I usually make a case by case decision on which way to go – and based on the reactions I have gotten – I have learned that you can’t win in this situation. If you try and explain - based on the childhood truth of “whoever smelled it – dealt it” – then you are just proving that it WAS you. But if you don’t say anything then it is like you are admitting to being the pooper and are in silent shame of your rotting guts.
Then a couple years ago - the problem moved outside the bathroom. I was grocery shopping in Safeway and needed something from the bulk section which is tucked in a back corner of the store. I headed back and promptly got bitch smacked across the face by the most disgusting, thick, cloying and dense fart I have ever smelled. I waded through it to get what I needed, but it was so bad I was actually gagging. If the sewer exploded in your face while you standing in the guts of a port-a-potty I think it would smell better. As I was trying to leave the area – this really sweet-looking and super old couple waded into the mess. I was like “listen – something really bad happened in there – you should just turn around and come back later when it is aired out.” The old woman looked at me, shook her head and said “you should be ashamed of yourself young lady. And you should go to the doctor because something is not right with you. Not right at all.”
