So, yesterday started out like any other Sunday. The weather was fantastic, Molly wasn't home yet from a sleep-over, Max was just hanging out, and Anders was at work.
I took the dogs for a nice long walk, and when I got home, I decided it was too nice out to be inside, so I kicked Max outside and I started getting ready to do some spring cleaning in the yard.
While I was raking and pruning, Max asked if he could have his buddy over to play basketball. I told him that was a great idea, and that I would start up the fire pit for a hot dog roast for lunch.
All good, clean, innocent, safe fun up until this point.
Before I go on with the story, I just want to provide a little background, and justification for my actions.
We have a neighbor on one side of us that has some pretty different views than us. On Halloween 2016, during the US election (we live in Canada), we - like the rest of the world - were horrified watching the Trump train shit show. Our neighbor on the other hand, hung a life-size doll, dressed in a women's pant suit and a Hillary Clinton rubber face mask, by the neck from his tree. His social media is covered in anti-government, pro-Trump propaganda - with a few gems like "ever noticed all feminists are fat and ugly?" thrown in just to really let us know his point of view. Long-story short, I am not a fan. We have a six foot high solid fence and really high trees/shrubs between our backyards so I feel like we can co-exists so long as the fence remains.
Last week, Max and I decided to have a fire one night after dinner. While we were setting up, we could hear that the neighbor and his kids were also doing the same on their side of the fence. I heard one of the neighbor’s kids say something along the lines of "oh it sounds like our neighbors are having a fire too", when the gem of a dad threw in a comment like "don't worry - it is the woman, she wont get it going."
At that point my fire actually was looking a little sad, but after hearing that - I was going to get that fucker burning no matter what it took. I ran to the shed, grabbed the lawnmower gas and gave the fire a little splash of liquid encouragement. It would have been an awesome rebuttal to the comment, but Max freaked out and took off running and screaming that I was going to set the whole yard on fire.
Not cool you little narc - not cool!
Which brings us back to the present day...
So I am trying to get the fire going so we can eventually roast some hot dogs - and I am having the same difficulties as last week.
Max and his friend - let’s call him Huck to protect the identities of the innocent - are hanging out around the fire, leafing through the magazines and newspapers I was using to try and get the wood burning. Huck pulls a Pantene sample out of a magazine and asks if he can take it for his mom. How adorable is that? So cute and sweet coming from this little 10 year-old guy.
Anyway, back to this fire that is going nowhere fast when I finally admit defeat, go to my red neck roots, and grab the jerry can.
I have done this like a hundred times. I have done it sober. I have done it drunk. I have done it in the winter - lighting huge slash piles of logging waste for my dad. I have done it in the summer while camping. I have done it with green eggs and ham. I have done it on the beach with a guy named Sam. And up until yesterday, I could have said it always went smoothly. Yesterday however, shit look a hard left.
The fire, which I wouldn't have even believed was possible until seeing it with my own eyes, traveled up the stream of splashing gas, turning my little plastic red jerry can into a potential neighborhood leveling explosion (in my head at that point anyway). I started to yell at the kids to get back but Max was way ahead of me. Sprinting across our yard in a classic "every man for himself get the fuck out of my way" kind of move. When he reached the fence - he switched it up and started screaming for everyone to get down. Since it was such a lovely day and everyone was outside - and there was now black smoke billowing from our yard - there we plenty of people outside to hear and see this. I actually did see a neighbor on her deck get down. In fairness to her, she was smoking a cig, so really, that was just a smart call by her after witnessing the shit I had just pulled.
Huck ran to the top of the yard and proudly yelled back at me that he still had the Pantene so not to worry about that adding fuel to the fire. Again - seriously, this kid is adorable.
For my part - I totally lost my shit, dropped the atomic jerry can and ran to get the hose. I started spraying the can and the burning gravel when Huck - still holding the Pantene samples God bless him - came back to let me know that the water wouldn't help, you had to smother it.
We eventually got it out by throwing towels on it and my neighbor slowly got back up on her knees to peek over at just what the fuck we had done.
I am happy to report that no one was hurt, nothing burned, and Huck got those god damned Pantene samples safely home to his mom. My neighbors will also be happy to know that Anders has revoked my fire pit privileges.
