Gloria Steinem vs Marg Simpson

I have been wrestling with the decision to stay home with Max and Molly for about a year.

Basically in a nutshell – the last year has been a series of peaks and valleys. The peaks are the days that I am pretty confident that I have totally got all this working mom shit covered off and that everything is totally under control. The valleys are the days were Anders comes home to find me a crying, snot-bubble blowing mess - totally convinced that I am failing miserably at both work and home, and feeling so overwhelmed that the witness protection program starts looking like a good option.

The problem is – the time between when I would take a total belly-flop from the peak into the valley used to be a lot further apart, These days – it is anyone’s guess what I am going to be like by the end of the day. It must be a bit like Russian roulette for Anders when he comes home. Am I going to be totally sane and in control? Or am I going to be a screaming, irrational mess. (Maybe I should ask him to write a blog on how awesome his life is right now!)

Anders has told me repeatedly to quit my job, and let me know that he will support me in whatever I choose. Here is where things get all murky. As much as I feel overwhelmed and as much as I would love to commit to being a stay at home mom for the next couple of years (until the twins go to school) - the thought of that also scares the shit out of me.

For my entire adult life – what I do has defined who I am. I started as a student, then I moved on to being a reporter and for the last 12 or 13 years – I have been working my way up the public relations ranks.

For me to admit that I want to be home with my children, and give up what I have worked for over a decade to achieve is some seriously terrifying shit. I kind of feel like I am spitting in the face of all the woman who have been working towards this for decades and have slowly, rung by rung, fought their way up the ladder and paved the road for me.

I don’t know what I think is going to happen. Maybe I will wake up one morning and find Gloria Steinem leading a bra burning protest on my front lawn? Or – and this is worse in my eyes – other women will judge me for the choices I have made and look down their noses at me as someone who didn’t have the mettle to be a mom and maintain my career. 

But on the flip side - isn’t that what woman have been working for all along? The right to be able to choose whatever we want to be – even if that means choosing to be a stay at home mom?

Still - even with my gut telling me to stay home - I am not sure if I am ready to stand up and say that I think this working mom gig is a total bullshit deal. Although I will be the first to say that I can’t do it all, and I think those women who can are seriously medicated. I think they also buy take-out for diner parties and then lie and say they made it (I have totally done this by the way) and have a secret cleaning lady (I wish I had done this but they are like $40/hour here – that is crazy!)

Luckily – we have a timeline we need to work within. Anders job is ending, and we may have to make some decisions, and some decisions might be made for us.

Max and Rusty - Max 1.5 years old, Rusty 8.5 years old

Molly - 1.5 years old