An open letter to all of Max’s future love interests, and any potential bullies

This morning, after I finished getting the kids ready for daycare, we had a bit of an incident. 

I had gotten everything together – the dog had gone out for one last pee, the van was loaded and the kid's stuff was packed and waiting at the door. The last challenge left was to pry the iPad from Max’s clammy, white-knuckled grip, and trick/bribe/coax them into the van to head to daycare. (I should add here that they don’t hate daycare – it isn’t like I leave them with homeless people behind the local grocery store or anything. Once they get there they are fine. They have fun, do crafts, play outside, watch movies, etc. They would just rather stay home most mornings. And really, who doesn’t want to stay in bed most mornings?)

So – as I climbed the stairs to tell them it was time to go, I was already anticipating the fight. I ran through all the good bribing and/or distracting material I had been stockpiling in my head all weekend. “Grandma is coming tomorrow, there is a truck video in the van for you guys to watch, we can give Rusty his snaggle tooth cleaning treat on the way out the door, tonight after dinner we can go to the park...” Basically whatever little distraction I can create to get them out the door and get them in the van will do.

When I got to the top of the stairs, Molly was surprisingly cool about the whole thing. When I told her it was time to go, she just nodded, packed up her toys and headed down the stairs. Max on the other hand was decidedly less cool about the situation and started to scream like someone face-to-face with the business end of a cougar.

Molly must have heard the screaming and spun around and raced back up the stairs. I didn’t see any of this as my back was to the door but I can confirm that Molly is definitely a graduate from the school of  “shoot first - ask questions later.” I guess the sight of Max screaming and clinging to his iPad was enough to shove her over the edge - because next thing I know, she mustered all the strength she could in her little body and punched me square in the ass. She then started yelling at me to “leave my brother alone” and telling me to “be nice and listen to Maxey.”

I am not going to lie – I was a bit scared. This little 37 pound ball-of-fury was pissed and was not about to back down.

There have been quite a few instances where we notice a protective thing going on between the two of them. When one is in trouble - the other is pretty quick to rush in to protect their sibling.  But out of the two of them - Molly is the only one is prepared to back the other one up with some real heat. Max will point his little finger at me and tell me he isn’t happy with whatever I am doing. Molly will lay a baby sized smack-down and be like “you like the taste of that onion, well I got another one waiting for action…and plenty more seasoning to bring to the party!”

Pretty much from the day they were born, Molly has been the boss and has run the show according to her schedule. If something wasn’t exactly how she wanted it – it wasn’t going to happen. Max, who is the polar opposite and is the most easy-going, good-natured guy around, learned pretty quickly that life goes a lot smoother if you just do what Molly says. Otherwise, there is a good chance she will rip you a new asshole.

Molly - seven days old and already letting us know that this shit is
not kosher. Max - mastering the duck and cover.

In seeing their personalities develop, and seeing how they interact with other kids, Anders and I have talked quite a bit about how gentle Max is, and how the world is going to be hard for him as he is such a sweet and sensitive little guy. But then we realized that in order to hurt Max, chances are good you have to make it through Molly, and as I learned this morning – that shit ain't on. 

In the overall big picture - it is kind of a comfort actually. We know that they both will always have a champion, an ally, a friend and most likely when they are teenagers - an accomplice. For Molly – she gets the absolute blind devotion of her brother, and for Max, although he gets his ass kicked daily – he also gets Molly’s fierce protection and love.


Almost two, and Max is getting better at taking direction.

So, to all of Max’s future love interests, don’t even worry about trying to impress Anders and I. Anders is Swedish, so really, even if he hates you – he is going to be really nice to you. I am pretty sure it is physically impossible for him to be anything less than civil and polite. As for me, I may seem like a potential problem as I am pretty protective and opinionated, but I am also flighty as hell and can be distracted easily. Show me something shiny and pretty and there is a good chance I will forget to hate you. Plus – Anders and I will both eventually die. 

Your real problem is going to be one Miss Molly Anne Catherine. True - she rides Max like a rented mule and a lot of the time it can seem like he is getting the short end of the stick. But if you try and get in there and defend Max, both of them will turn on you like a pack of hyenas (I speak from experience). Or if you are thinking of hurting him, intentionally or otherwise - then sweet baby Jesus – I hope you have an exit strategy in place because Molly is going to Fuck. You. Up. 

And to all of those bullies that I know will be in Max’s class...when you see this really tall, super sweet, good-natured kid who you think will be really fun to bully? Don’t forget about the sweet and innocent looking girl beside him. She will not hesitate to go Chernobyl on your ass and trust me – she doesn’t need much provoking. What is more embarrassing then getting bullied? I can tell you. It is getting your ass kicked in public by a girl.



The dynamic duo - Max taking direction,
and Molly calling the shots.