Any excuse will do

I am supposed to be running the lululemon half marathon right now – the start was about five minutes ago. Instead I am sitting on the couch in my PJ pants, drinking boozy coffee.   

I do this all the time. I get all pumped up – sign up for half, or even a full marathon - and then about two thirds of the way into the training, something happens. Usually it is some kind of injury, but this time is was a pair of tiny polka-dotted running shorts which pushed me over the edge.   

When I registered for the run, I had to enter my size information as it said lulu would be sending out a piece of fitness wear in advance of the race so that you could wear it during the training and then during the actual run.

So, in late May when I got my package from lulu – I excitedly ripped into – and “What in the what? Really? REALLY? What in the holy hell am I supposed to do with these? This better be a dew rag or fancy-ass headband or some shit….”

They sent a pair of running shorts – which on paper is awesome. In reality – they were the thinnest, tiniest, shortest things I had ever seen in my life.

I decided to suck it up and try them on – and first thing I noticed is that the underwear I had on were bigger than the shorts. That was going to be a problem. Of all the shit I have to worry about in a day, and in training for this race – making sure my lady bits are in top shape and camera ready as I come across the finish line shouldn’t be one of them.  



Molly modeling my shorts...I am a firm believer that
I probably shouldn't wear anything that fits my three-year-old.

The tag called them “speed shorts”. No shit lululemon – you better be able to run pretty fast as you will need to be able out run the police to avoid public indecency charges. They also say they have venting for maximum airflow. Yeah - you can say that. Every time I moved, these teeny tiny polka-dotted hot pants would flap and breeze and show off various angles of my nether region and remind me to book a waxing appointment.

So, knowing I was supposed to wear these for the run - I officially said fuck it, threw my runners back in the closet and cracked a beer.

To everyone running the race – I salute you and your exposed junk. You are a much braver (and I am guessing shorter) bunch than me – and I hope you all have a great run. To everyone living along the race route – get ready for some free live porn heading your way shortly.