Let the detox begin!

We are home. We just did a two-week family roadie and had a fantastic time. Apparently – a bit too much of a good time.

Anders and I both put on about 10 pounds in the last 14 days (a personal best for me) and drank more than we have since our pre-kid days. I haven’t felt this gross since the five days we spent in Vegas for Stacy and Lance’s wedding. And that is saying something. During that trip - some of my personal highlights include shopping while I was smoking, drinking some ridiculous blender drink out of a cup that was like four feet long and eating nachos. No shit. I was half cut, chain smoking and eating a plastic tray of nachos while trying on tees in the Gap. And of course Stacy and Lance’s wedding – so beautiful – and yes, I smoked and drank during that too. God bless you Vegas.

Anyway, somewhere between Kamloops and Calgary – in all my bloated glory and getting cut in half by my now too tight shorts, I decided I need to do a cleanse. I did the master cleanse (you know the one – lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne and nothing else – all day every day for 10 days) about six months ago, and felt great while doing it. I made it to day eight and then went down in legendary style at the Chili’s in Banff. The day started off good – we decided to take a trip to the Banff hot springs (the kids love them – I end up eyeballing everyone else I am sharing this gigantic bathtub with and trying to guess approximate last shower times, and whether they have that glassy “I am pissing in the pool” face.)

For whatever reason, my kids lose their shit for Chili’s – which also happens to be on the main drag into Banff - so we pass it on the way to the hot springs. Once my kids spot it, there is no way around it. We are eating some fucking tacos. So, after the Petri dish soak, we head into Chili’s for a quick snack on our way home. At that point, being on day eight of the cleanse, I am feeling pretty cocky and decide to have a beer. Long story short, next thing I know I am like three beer and Clamato in and am surrounded by the shrapnel of what was chicken club tacos and a nacho platter.

To avoid another incident, I decided I am going to do a cleanse kit this time around and maybe not do the starvation thing. So I bought a kit and will be starting tomorrow night…after I meet my friend Laura for beer and nachos. I can still eat on this cleanse, but since it is a detox and cleanse, it has to be all organic, fresh and healthy, blah, blah, blah. I am pretty sure that by the end of the two weeks I will totally be mistaken for Gwyneth Paltrow and will have to buy all new clothes. Or – and probably the more realistic option – Anders will end up driving my drunk ass home from Chili’s and/or pulling my head out of a family size bucket of KFC.