Things I wish someone had told me…

I am finally completing Max and Molly’s baby books, and as part of it, the book suggests that you write a letter to the grown up Max and Molly offering your hopes and dreams for them, as well as advice and stories/learnings from your own youth.

I have done some seriously stupid shit in my life – and I am not sure if Max and Molly should be told any of it.

There is the standard kind of dumb-ass stuff you do as a kid – which, when looking-back, makes you believe in a higher power since you and about 10 of your friends weren’t killed instantly (taking turns being pulled on a GT Snowracer behind a truck at about midnight down the main highway in Cranbrook in the dead of winter comes to mind) and then there is the dumb shit you did that makes you do that sharp intake of air through clenched teeth. The “yikes – that was not good” kind of stuff.

And when you think about it – the “yikes” moments are the ones that hold real value. Every kid – whether we like it or not – is going to do the standard dumb stuff. But if we can teach our kids about our yikes moments, we might be able to stop them from doing at least some of the stupid stuff we did. Right up there with don’t get into a vehicle with a stranger – we should be telling them not to get totally shit-faced and call ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, or send any kind of email or social media update.

With this in mind, I started my letters to the future Max and Mo. I had all of the usual stuff – telling them to find something that they love and turn that into a career, to follow their passion, be kind and compassionate, and to always remember how special they are. But then I think I started to take a bit of a left turn from the book’s creator’s original intent when I found myself typing, “Always remember that you can’t dance. Don’t be fooled by the three drinks you just had. You are a Norwegian, Swedish, English and Hungarian mix and you should note that none of these cultures are known for their rhythm or awesomeness on the dance floor. Sit your John Travolta ass back down and have another drink.”

At first read – it seems a bit harsh considering how we try so hard to encourage our kids, and to teach them that the sky is the limit. But my thinking is that if someone had reminded me that I can’t dance for shit, I would never have thought that doing the Macarena on top of a speaker at a dance club was a great plan. This would mean that I wouldn’t have gone ass over tea kettle in front of hundreds of people, and ended up in the emergency room explaining to a doctor why I had shards of a broken hi-ball glass imbedded in my ass.   

We have all learned humiliating lessons in our lives and for me – this is the kind of gold we should be passing on (along with the standard don’t cross the street type stuff.) I will finish the letters to Max and Molly outlining my hopes and dreams for them, but I will also be slipping in the below list. I am thinking of it as a working appendix, or a “what I did, and can tell you from experience – don’t do!” guide.

1. Don’t drink Clamato juice which has been in your fridge for longer than two weeks. You will know pretty quickly if it has been open for longer – and in that case - call 911 immediately. And then me. In that order. 

2. When you are pulled over for a speeding ticket – don’t make nervous jokes about the cocaine up your ass, the dead body in the trunk, or how you could have totally outrun them. They will not find it funny. Also – don’t pull-over and then immediately get out and run into the woods*. This will always end with you in the backseat of the cop car while they run background checks.  (*I was on a long road trip and had to pee really badly – which is why I was speeding. I thought the cop would understand – turns out – not so much.)

3. Don’t eat a burger when you are out for a business lunch. It is pretty hard to be taken seriously when you have ketchup on your cheek and your face wrapped around a quarter pound special.

4. Even if they come back in style, don’t get a perm or a mullet. Just don’t. If you need proof – look at pictures of me from about 1990 to about 1994, and pictures of your father circa 1984-ish.

5. If you have any doubts about the outfit/makeup/hairstyle you are wearing – chances are good that you look like an idiot and have taken it one step too far.

6. Don’t do anything drastic to your hair after a bad break up. Give yourself a cooling-off period of about a month before you make any appointments at the salon. If you look at pictures of me starting at about age 17 - you can totally see every time I got dumped or cheated on. I go from looking like a totally sane person with a normal hairstyle – to a red-eyed, puffy-faced case-study for depression, who is sporting a haircut that most closely resembles something from a Tim Burton movie.

7. Always pick friends who are smarter than you. Better to be the dummy of the group – then the leader of a pack of idiots. Plus – maybe some of the “smarts” will rub off on you.

8. Molly – when boys run up to you and try to steal a kiss in your early school years – don’t turn around and kick them in the nuts with everything you got. You will probably regret this in later life when you want to start dating as it turns out boys have long memories – and getting kicked in the nuts is something that sticks with them.

9. Max – avoid running up to girls and trying to steal kisses. See above.

10. Don’t eat anything you can’t pronounce or identify at least three of the ingredients in. Some people may tell you that is a boring way to live - I say it is a good way to avoid food poisoning and/or a tapeworms. (True story – I worked with a guy who got a huge tapeworm from some kind of weird seafood but he didn’t know about it until he got brutally sick with the stomach flu and found a massive surprise in the toilet. If the story ended here, that would be horrifying enough…but there is another terrifying turn. The guy actually picked it out of the toilet, put it in a jar and took it to the doctor and had it identified. It was some kind of fish worm you can only get from undercooked weird shit. You can thank me later when you can proudly proclaim on your deathbed that you have always been tapeworm free. That guy sure as shit cant.)

11. When you are at work – assuming they still use email – make sure you haven’t hit “reply all” when sharing your smart ass comments or opinions about the email subject or the email sender. I did this one a few times, and let me tell you explaining to a coworker that “dip shit” is the new way to say “cool” isn’t fun.

From watching how Max and Molly are shaping up – I am sure I will keep adding to this list as we go, but for now, it is a good start.

I know they will grow up to be amazing individuals and I can’t wait to see the choices they make, and where life will lead them. And if they can learn anything from my list that will help to spare them five minutes of embarrassment or discomfort, then my job will have been done.