Day one of the detox

I woke up this morning at about 1 a.m. and couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind kept racing about going back to work and all the things I hadn’t gotten done (cleaning the house, grocery shopping, doing some laundry) but mainly – I was freaking out about what I could cram my fat ass into and still be somewhat respectable at work.

The options were bleak. I wear a lot of dresses, but they are mainly fitted. They are not the kind which are forgiving of 17 days spent drinking pina colada Breezers and making a daily 10:30 a.m. run for a double scoop waffle cone.

I dozed in and out (mainly having nightmares of me showing up at work in bedazzled yoga pants) until the alarm went off and I reluctantly drug my ass into the shower. I did one last desperate mental inventory of my clothes  - praying for a weight loss miracle (“touch me Jesus…and take about 20 pounds off when you do”) and hoping that all of my clothes have a high Lycra content – before heading into the closet to face the consequences of my two-week food and booze binge.

I have never in my life wanted to wear that hippy free-flowing look - until about 6:12 a.m. this morning. Why in the hell hadn’t I bought at least one maxi dress this year? Seriously – if there was ever a year that fashion allowed you to hide some extra junk in the trunk (and belly and thighs) – this is it.

I started digging through my clothes and quickly dismissed anything which had a fitted waist or snug anything, and before I knew it, I was in the “fat" section of my closet. The choices were horrific at best. I was down to choosing between a maternity dress and pants which can best be described as palazzo pants – with a side of MC Hammer. When was the last time you saw anyone wearing palazzo pants? I am going to go with mid-1996. And here is a better question – why do I still own a pair of palazzo/Hammer pants?

This is pretty close to what I have in a dark corner of my closet. And since they frown
on drinking at work, I don't have the balls to pull this look off sober.

I found this pic when I Googled palazzo pant pics and had to add it since it is just so many kinds of wrong.
I think a girl actually wore this to our high school grad. 

Then I spotted my little forgotten gem - a black pencil skirt which is my usual go to on bloated days, or days when you just want to wear something comfortable. This skirt is usually so loose that by the end of the day, after taking a few steps I actually have to pull it back up. This morning – instead of sliding up my hips, I had to wrestle it up like I was pulling on a sausage casing.

So – I spent today strutting (strutting is too strong of a word – lets say it was more like lumbering) around the office looking like 10 pounds of shit in a five pound sack. Not something I care to repeat. Fuck the organic cleanse, I need to figure out how to turn my vacuum into a liposuction machine. I am thinking I can totally MacGyver something up with some duct tape and a juice box straw. The next problem will be getting Anders to participate because the plan is to knock myself out on my bathroom counter first, so clearly, I will need an operator. My strategy is to show him the palazzo/MC Hammer pants and beg him not to make me wear them. And if that fails, I will give him a rear view of me walking (lumbering) away in my current sausage casing and cardigan combo. 

On the up-side – the little “detoxifier herb” magic pills which came in the cleanse have made me fantastically sick (on par with the Exorcist scene) – so I am pretty sure if this keeps up, I will be down these pesky 10 pounds (and god willing maybe even a few more) in no time.

Once the kids are asleep, I am totally going to the mall to buy every single maxi and/or shift dress they have left. God damn bubble gum ice cream and Bacardi Breezers.